Thursday morning, Jess and I head down to rural Maryland for the wedding of one of my good high school friends.

He’s apparently more Scottish than I’d previously realized, as the groomsmen – myself included – will be wearing kilts.

Today, a woman at the kilt rental shop (who knew?) warned that I needed to wear underwear under my kilt.

Oh, I assured her, I will.

No, really, she insisted. Sure it’s traditional for a man to wear nothing underneath, but if you aren’t use to it, she continued, the rough wool routinely causes penile hives.

Which is why I’ll now be layering on at least two or three of my thickest pairs.