How to look like the King of Hollywood for four hours:

1. Attend the premiere party for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, a huge gala event held at Hollywood’s famed Sunset Room.

2. Bring a date for the evening with whom you were set up, who turns out to have been a Maxim cover model.

3. Meet up at the party with LOTR star John Rhys-Davies (“Gimli the Dwarf”), who seems to have been told by his agent that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread; have him spend much of the evening introducing you as such to the other stars (Elijah Wood, Liv Tyler, Orlando Bloom, etc.), and to agents and execs.

4. Sit, champagne glass in hand, and wonder quietly how in God’s name this is your actual life.