One word: plastics. Or, more specifically: vinyl. That’s right, I’m buying a record player.

Serious audiophiles will tell you vinyl has a warmer, fuller sound than the digital, mechanical sound of CDs. Vinyl, they point out, uses a wider range of frequencies than CD. These people are morons. Yes, records have greater frequency range, but both capture sound well beyond the limits of human hearing. And only records have that unfortunate snap, crackle and pop.

So why am I buying a record player? In short, women. Records may sound like crap, but a collection of jazz LPs is as James Bond sophisticated as a vodka martini (best served: Grey Goose, dirty, straight up).