Some things I’ve learned in my recent Coffee Shop spree:

1. Time from drinking an entire Venti China Green Tips Tazo Tea to needing to pee, really, really bad: approximately one hour, fifteen minutes.

2. Consequences of making a bathroom trip to relieve tea-full bladder: this being New York (and therefore, simply asking someone to watch my laptop not being a real possibility), having to unplug and pack up laptop, and – worse – having to sacrifice prime outlet-adjacent table space, all for that stupid ninety second trip.

3. Symptoms of therefore trying to tough my way through the increasingly full bladder (in order of chronological occurrence): frequent seat shifting, tapping foot spastically, pressing knees together, autistic-like rocking, cold sweats, burst bladder, unconsciousness, death. (Note: all symptoms after cold sweats projected rather than previously experienced.)

4. Time the hot girl who looks sort of like Pocahontas shows most days to work at the corner table near the front window: between 1:00pm and 2:15pm.

5. Number of times furtive eye contact has been made with Pocahontas over the past two weeks: countless.

6. Likelihood of me stopping being such a fucking pansy and just going over and introducing myself: frankly, not good.

7. Likelihood of me instead walking over to the table of Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy, picking up his skim latte, and pouring it over his head: better than the Pocahontas odds to begin with, and increasing rapidly.

8. Strategic thought of the day: pouring said latte onto ICPG would be an excellent conversation starter with the lovely Pocahontas.