Yesterday evening, I shaved off my beard. Then I shaved off my chest hair, donned a Speedo, greased down with vegetable oil, and stepped in front of the camera.

Sadly, that’s not a joke. Nor is it my first foray into the world of gay porn. Instead, it’s just part of the preparation for the Gotham Sugar Shack’s last throw-down – this Friday, November 12th – before my roommates and I head our separate ways.

The party, in short, recreates Homecoming ’96. Why? In the words of the Evite:

That was perhaps the finest time in our lives. Or anybody else’s lives – in the entire history of the world. Do you remember? We were still buzzing from the excitement of the Olympics in Atlanta (how about the rhythmic gymnastics? Estonia was robbed!), and now that the autumn air had grown crisp, it was time to settle old rivalries on, as they say in South Bend, “one hundred yards of glory.”

It was Jaguars vs. War Eagles. Clinton vs. Dole. Coolio vs. Seal. TLC vs. All-4-One. Brandy vs. Alanis Morisette. Hootie vs. the Blowfish. Our virginity vs. Jenny William’s defiant, “I’m not drinking tonight and you’d better put that thing away” steel will.

Due to Evite technical glitches, a number of intended invites apparently never went out. So, we sent out a second. As that seems to have fared little better, if you didn’t receive an invitation but think you should have, or if we’ve never even met but you’d simply like to party like it’s 1996, a few further details from the PTA newsletter:

Come out and support our boys as they Rally against the Ridgeview Tigers. I don’t have to tell you this is the game of a lifetime, as we’ve got the passing strength to really come through and treat this victory not as the decimation of an old rival, but the first hurdle on the road to the first state championship in 30 years. Let’s make ’96 a year for the record books.

I’m also pleased to announce that Misty Sherman will be serving as the Homecoming Queen this year. She’s an honor student and a member of the FBLA, the FFA, and the FHA (looks like she’s got her work cut out for her!). She’s engaged to Brandon Mozinga, a super-senior who most of you know as the guy who drives the green Mustang around the Kwik Mart all afternoon.

The kids are having a dance and we need sponsors to come and administer “refreshments” so please bring something young and old alike can enjoy. And wear something nice–it’s ’96 for pity’s sake. Throw those stirrup pants out and come in a nice new pair of Lee’s acid washed jeans.

Which reminds me of the cheer that has always warmed my heart:

“Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar. All for the bulldogs, stand up….stand up and holler!”

God Bless America and Go Dawgs!!!

Gotham High School Football Rules.

Given the success of the digital version of one of our prior parties (The Hell’s Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths), over the next week, I’ll be posting the Gotham High Class of ’96 Yearbook. But, of course, it’ll be no match for the real thing.

So, clear out your calendar. This Friday, November 12th, 10:30pm. The Gotham Sugar Shack. Be there.