Easy IPO

The girl is head of marketing for a high-end maternity-wear company; as such, I got a chance to visit their New York boutique, and was quite impressed by the stylish pairs of women’s jeans stocked there, with top few inches of fabric retofitted with stretch spandex.

And while, certainly, the market for such pregnancy-friendly women’s clothing is well documented, I’m convinced a men’s version of those same jeans could easily become the anchor of a similarly succesful product line.

Consider this: you’ve just eaten Thanskgiving dinner, or an overly generous mid-summer helping of baby back ribs. Your pants are uncomfortably snug around the waist. If only your jeans were able to stretch accomodatingly around your distended stomach. If only, in short, you were wearing a pair of of Eatin’ Pants(tm).

Despite what seems to me a compelling business case, the girl remains unwilling to jump ship from her current job to launch such a no-fail startup. So, entrepreneurs of the internet, I gift this concept to you. All I ask in return is a free pair from the sample run. 30″ length; 29″ waist before I start eating, and perhaps 36″ after a third helping of turkey, stuffing and cranberry come November 24th.

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September 19, 2006

Expedition

About a year back, I was struck by the idea of walking Manhattan from tip to tip. Foolishly, I shared this with my long-standing friend Jenny, who liked the concept enough to actually agree to do it with me.

The trip is 13.4 miles as the crow flies, and closer to 15 along any walkable route, which should have led either of us to conclude that’s more than anyone is meant to walk in an afternoon. But, as Jenny recently won the New Jersey marathon, she’s clearly missing the part of her brain that tells her to stop after hoofing some reasonable distance. In my case, I have no other defense than that I’m a complete idiot.

So, yesterday, just before noon, we headed up the 1/9 subway line to the 215th Street stop. Yes, the 215th Street stop. Apparently, Manhattan has lots and lots of streets. And nearly a third of them are below Houston, once you run out of numbered ones.

Nonetheless, we subwayed up, and we started walking back down. At first it was along streets like Nagle and Isham that I’d never even heard of before, much less realized were major thoroughfares on this island where I live. In upper Inwood, the Siberia of Manhattan, we passed stores selling live chickens, and stopped to use the bathroom at a McDonalds where I was nearly unable to purchase bottled water, seeing how none of the people behind the counter spoke English.

We trekked through Washington Heights and saw adds for sodas (Energy 69!) that absolutely don’t exist below 125th St, and arrays of dresses on sale in front of small shops for under five bucks a piece. Then down through Harlem, where we passed McDonalds and Papa Johns’ on every other corner, trekking all the way to Morningside Heights and the top of Columbia before we spotted our first Starbucks or sushi joint.

By the time we’d made it to the Upper West Side, we were less than halfway, and already looking rough. The day was overcast and muggy, we had sweated through our clothing, and we were possibly hungry, though too churned up from constant walking to want to actually eat.

Near the Museum of Natural History, we stopped in at my brother’s apartment, where he handed off a pair of rum and Cokes like Gatorade passed to long distance runners.

A bit further still, at Columbus Circle, we decided maybe eating wasn’t such a bad idea after all. So, we stopped at Bouchon Bakery in Time Warner Center, relishing the sitting even more than the first-class eats.

In Hell’s Kitchen, I stopped to lance the blisters that had formed on the back of both of my feet, and to drop off an apparently unneeded, but somewhat pokey, umbrella hauled in my backpack. And then we got back on the road.

It was at about this time that I started trying to pansy out. I had several good ideas, such as subwaying down to the next-to-last stop then walking the final stretch. Or calling it for the day and picking up the second half of the trek on a subsequent weekend. Both, I reckoned, qualifying as tip-to-tip travel, at least with explanatory footnote.

But, Jenny, being far more used to motoring mechanically through such minor problems as excruciating knee pain, kept us moving ahead. By this point, clearly neither of us were enjoying the walking, though we had reached a point of sufficient delirium that we were still happily laughing through it, talking loudly about people we passed and wondering what they might be making of our bedraggled, foot-shuffling duo.

We walked through Chelsea, the West Village, SoHo, and TriBeCa, though by that point my recollections are largely a blur. I do recall stopping at a firehouse, ostensibly to get an estimate of remaining distance, though mainly so Jenny could put the moves on a cute firefighter.

We kept walking. Down past Ground Zero, through the financial district, and, limpingly out to South Ferry. By 6:15, we stood looking at the Statue of Liberty, wondering why we didn’t feel accomplished and elated so much as in need of somewhere flat to lie down.

The South Ferry stop on the 1/9 was closed. So, one foot placed gingerly in front of another, we walked back up a bit, staggering down into the Whitehall subway station, then slumping into the seats of an uptown R train.

Back at the top of Times Square, I saw Jenny off on her ride further uptown, headed home, showered, then went back out the door. And while dinner at Blue Smoke and drinks at Pete’s Tavern were both excellent, it’s nearly a miracle I made it ambulatorily from one to the other.

This morning, scuttling plans for vacuuming on the grounds that it involved even small amounts of moving around my apartment, I instead searched online to price out Rascal and Jazzy scooters. If I ever walk again, it will be too soon.

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August 27, 2006

Bediquette

First, there’s the issue of side. Which, if I’m sleeping alone, is the left. But I’m flexible on that one. Either side of the bed works well enough for me, making the choice an easy first concession.

Then there’s pillow selection, which I’ll also happily give up, for the good karma, and the illusion of being accommodating.

The trouble sets in with sleep position. Left to my own devices, I’m largely a stomach sleeper, with occasional side forays. Most girls, however, seem to covet the shoulder/neck nook as pillow, which necessitates back-sleeping. Or, rather, back-not-sleeping. Because, as comfortable as the position actually turns out to be, I can’t really sleep in it. Spooning’s a bit better, though I’m never quite sure where to keep my bottom arm.

Sooner or later, it’s some slightly separated yet leg-intertwined position. Which works well for the most part. Except that a surprisingly large percentage of girls seem to kick involuntarily while deep in REM. Some, the former soccer or field-hockey players the worst amongst them, kick hard. All deny it once awake.

And, of course, all girls steal the blankets, somnolently bunching comforters with reckless disregard for their co-coveree.

A large percentage, too, are total insomniacs. Or, perhaps, just a large percentage of the ones I like, given my prodigious ability to develop crushes on smart yet totally neurotic girls. They can’t fall asleep. They toss and turn. They wake up in the middle of the night, then wake me up to announce that they’re awake. Or they steal my computer and respond to their work emails from three until four in the morning. Or they do both. The same girl, night to night, is utterly unpredictable.

Or, at least, seems so at first. But, inevitably, there’s (some) method to the madness. Which is what bed-sharing – and, perhaps, relationships in general – is really all about: spending enough time with someone to figure out their idiosyncrasies, to determine how those line up with your own, then compromising, practicing. All in the name of somehow finding that comfortable, sustainable, “I could sleep like this for the long-haul” groove.

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August 24, 2006

The Usual

[Meant to post this on Tuesday, but my week has been a mess.]

Monday night. My brother David comes over to cook dinner with me, then gets a call from a mutual friend, Robbie, a big dude from Georgia who recently moved to NYC to further his stand-up career and audition for Broadway musicals.

Robbie swings by my apartment as well, and we toss back a few rum and cokes, then head out on the town. As it’s a Monday, most bars are closed or dead, so we head up Broadway to Ava Lounge, atop the Dream Hotel. The place is packed.

We grab a table, order up a round of drinks, and begin intently discussing which Disney character is the hottest, which degenerates into our singing “Part of Your World” in falsetto. Ranging from one topic to the next, we’re cracking ourselves up, and people surrounding us stop their own conversations to intently listen in.

In any bar, people fall into two groups: the observers and the observed. Some tables are just clearly having more fun than others. Our table, that Monday night, is patently obviously the most fun one in the bar.

The waitress starts spending more time talking with us. Then another waitress, who comes bearing a round of Tequila shots, starts hanging out at our table as well. A middle-aged couple walks by in formal wear. “How was the prom?” my brother asks. They pull up seats.

With sufficient mass, the gravity of our group increases. Next drawn in are three Dutch lingerie salesmen and the cadre of blonde Canadian girls they’d picked up earlier in the night.

An attractive brunette in glasses walks clear across the bar, announces that we’re ‘more real’ than her friends, and plops down at the table as well.

A rock-paper-scissors tournament ensues. Free drink are poured. We learn how to say “may I kiss the baby” and “show me the way to the nearest keg” in Dutch. Phone numbers are exchanged, laps are sat on.

Two in the morning. We close the bar, stagger down to the street, and head our separate ways.

The next morning, my eyelids stick to my eyeballs as I first try to open them. Coffee, black.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

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August 3, 2006

Dick Move

1. Sit at the bar.

2. Look for a table full of women.

3. Get the bartender to fill a bunch of highball glasses with ice water, garnishing each with a piece of fruit.

4. Get a waitress to bring the garnished ice water to the table of women; have her tell them that the the drinks are “compliments of the man at the bar.”

5. Graciously acknowledge with a small wave and nod.

6. Wait for them to realize you’ve sent them water; let the hilarity ensue.

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July 26, 2006

Mamma Mia

One afternoon, when my brother and I were about 5 and 8, respectively, our mother picked us up from school in the family Volvo. She then drove down the road about five hundred feet before announcing that she wasn’t our mother, but rather an alien, who had come to kidnap us.

Obviously, a debate about this ensued, with my brother and me insisting that she was, in fact, our mother, and her insisting, no, in fact, she was an alien, but that the other aliens had just done a remarkably good job in making her look precisely like our mother. The debate raged for nearly the entire ride home, with my mother holding out just long enough for my brother and I to start developing serious doubts.

To this day, I’m not entirely sure what possessed her to do that, but if she were to do it again, I also wouldn’t be terrribly surprised. Because, while she’s smart and articulate and logical and organized and successful, my mother also jumps on beds and pushes people into swimming pools without warning.

Or, at least, without much warning; by now, my brother and I have both learned to recognize that certain gleam in her eyes which serves as the signal for both of us to run for our lives.

Apparently, my mother inherited this troublemaking streak from her own mother, who once, while measuring her for a skirt she was shortening, poked my mom in the posterior with a pin, “just to see what would happen.”

So, on this Mother’s Day, to any readers who have been following along with self-aggrandizement and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, I say: go ask my mom. Much as she’d deny it, her genes clearly account for at least half of the whack-job traits I possess today.

Happy Mothers Day to moms everywhere, but especially to my own, because, frankly, she’s better than yours.

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May 14, 2006

Do You Know What it Means

Ever since my first visit, well over a decade back, I’ve loved New Orleans. Aside from New York and San Francisco, it’s the only place in the continental United States I daydream of, feel the need to return to, over and over.

Yet, as I drove along I-10 towards the Crescent City earlier this week, my stomach churned with apprehension, unsure of how the city – and my love of it – had fared Katrina.

As we closed in, the highway was lined with downed trees and abandoned strip malls, buildings reduced to shells and piles of rubble. We parked just outside the French Quarter, amidst broken windows and shutters hanging loose on their hinges.

Iberville Street was oddly empty as walked to the Acme Oyster House, to join some local friends for lunch. The restaurant, at least, was full, and, waiting for a table, I spoke with some Louisianans at the bar. And, in that one conversation, all my fears subsided.

I recognized the way they talked of the hurricane, of their surprise that friends and relatives would even suggest they consider uprooting their lives and moving somewhere else. I recognized it because I had said and felt precisely the same things, living in Manhattan in the wake of 9/11.

I don’t know if some cities have a spirit and character that carries them through disaster, or if, like a cornered animal, nearly any would pull together in that same intense yet casual way were its existence threatened.

But I knew, at least, that New Orleans had. That, as we in the rest of the country worried on their behalf, fretted and opined about whether the city would ever be the same, the people who lived there had already set aside such academic debate, consumed instead with the day-by-day process of carrying on with life.

By the time I left Louisiana the next morning, continuing on I-10 towards Austin, my thoughts were already drifting back towards the city behind me. If it ever slept, I’d tell New Orleans to wait up for me; it won’t be long until I’m back.

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May 12, 2006

The Looking Glass

`Cheshire Puss,’ she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. `Come, it’s pleased so far,’ thought Alice, and she went on. `Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’

`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.

`I don’t much care where–‘ said Alice.

`Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.

– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I’ve long been fascinated by the neurobiology of attention – the interactions of parts of our brains like the hypothalamus and the reticular activation system. Each day, all day, we’re bombarded by sensations; yet, somehow, we filter out the vast majority, letting through a select few. Reading a book, we lose ourselves in the pages, blocking out completely the world around us. Or, talking at a cocktail party, we tune down others’ conversations, focusing in on just the words of our conversational companions.

I’m reminded of that particularly when I buy something new. I remember, in college, purchasing a Toyota Celica, and suddenly finding myself passing hundreds of other Celicas on the highways and streets. Not because, of course, people had suddenly rushed out to lease similar cars; but, rather, because my brain decided the ones that had always been out there were, for the first time, interesting enough to pass through to my conscious mind.

All of which is to say that I believe the brain is largely cybernetic. Not in the computerized sense of the word, but closer to it’s Greek root, ‘kybernetes’, which means something akin to ‘steersman’. It begins with an end in mind, then focuses us on and readjusts us towards those things that bring us closer and closer to that goal.

Which leaves us floundering, then, when the target isn’t clearly locked; without somewhere we want to end up, like Alice, it doesn’t much matter which way we go.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, mainly in the context of dating, of big city romance. With so many potential partners – an embarrassment of riches – we urban singles are weighed down by the tyranny of choice. There are so many people who might be right, and so many more who might be just a bit righter still than whomever we’re currently with.

But most of us, at a very basic level, don’t have any idea of what ‘right’ looks or feels like in the first place. We drink our way from date to date, trying to guess, hoping our hearts or guts or friends or mothers, or even the Cheshire Cat, will somehow jump in to tell us when we’ve found it.

So, for weeks, I’ve been brainstorming my way through my own sense of ‘right’, my own list of qualities I think I’m looking for. I’ve been quietly analyzing the long happily married couples I know, squaring that with my own experience, adding ideas, crossing off items, and boiling things down to the bare essentials: things I can look for that, alongside the requisite lightning bolt, would leave me happily ever after. In short, a target, an end in mind that my subconscious might, day by day, guide me towards.

And while my list is still brewing, certainly not yet ready for public consumption, I did, earlier this week, find at least one item that seems sure to make the final cut. Dr. Dan Gottlieb, a quadriplegic psychologist and guest on NPR’s Fresh Air, related the story of a young woman who he’d seen in his practice. “I feel like my soul is a prism,” she told him. “But everybody sees just one color. Nobody sees the prism.”

As someone too long practiced at playing social chameleon, I find her concern hits particularly close to home. Which is why, among anything else, I can see the appeal, or perhaps the necessity, of ending up with someone with whom I could always be my full, garishly multi-colored self.

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May 1, 2006

Good Day, Sunshine

With the spring sun once again radiant atop the New York skyline, I spent this afternoon wandering the streets, mainly observing, in store window reflections, that I am exceedingly, cadaverously pale.

I am, by nature, a light-skinned person – having inherited my coloring more from my red-haired mother than my oft-mistaken-for-Italian father. But, after a winter spent in New York City, blanching under the glow of overhead fluorescents, I’ve moved well past past ‘fair’, and into ‘look kids, there’s Casper!’

Still, there’s more than just vanity behind my concern. Research seems to indicate that being tan is actually good for your skin, whereas it’s getting tan, and particularly getting tan fast, that’s particularly dangerous. And as, during the summer, I’m likely to be spending long hours on at least some days under beating solar rays, I’m hoping to ease myself in, rather than scorch to lobster on a first extended outing.

So, over the course of the next few weeks, I’ve been trying to engineer my schedule to allow for at least short periods of daily time in the sun. And, equally so, trying to schedule them as, say, shirtless morning jogs; having learned from past years how permanent a base my first spring sun forays can leave, I’m eager to avoid a repeat of one year’s redneck-ready farmer tan.

Mainly because I realize I’ll eventually want to hit a beach. And I don’t own nearly enough NASCAR-logoed bathing suits to back up the look.

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April 30, 2006

Make a Difference

Last night, I was having drinks with a few friends who work in private asset management for exceedingly wealthy families. A few rounds in, one friend observed that, while such families are inevitably hell-bent on building their net worths, they’re also textbook examples of the law of diminishing returns. Which is to say, from a quality of life perspective, the first billion makes a far bigger dent than the second.

At the same time, this afternoon I found in my mailbox a pitch letter for a ‘sponsor a young Sudanese refugee’ program. For just a dollar a day, it explained, I could change the life of an African child.

And while, certainly, such sponsor programs are exceedingly noble in their goals, they also seem to be a dime a dozen. Which prompted me to combine the two threads – sponsorship and billionaire families – for a brilliantly outside-the-box business idea:

For just $10,000 a day, I can help those families sponsor a young New Yorker. (Namely, me. Though, not being greedy, I’m totally happy to start a list for other such civically-minded volunteers should a sufficient number of sponsoring families take the call to action.)

Like that kid in Sudan, I’d be more than happy to write a monthly letter to my sponsor. I’d even include pictures: me at Nobu enjoying an omakase dinner, at the Hotel Gansevoort with table service and a bottle of Cristal.

And, in turn, I’d even be happy to sponsor a whole village of those little kids in Sudan. Take that, foes of trickle-down economics.

A few friends in the legal world have pointed out that it may be a long road to 501c3 status for this burgeoning nonprofit, given our near-sighted government’s narrow understanding of ‘need’.

But, I’m convinced that, regardless of donation tax status, smart families interested in really changing lives should be quick to sign on. I’d tell you as soon as they do, but, to be honest, it may take a few weeks to install an internet connection on my new private Bahamian island.

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April 19, 2006