IOU

One thing I’ve learned through years of full-contact martial arts is, the best time to punch somebody in the face is when they aren’t expecting to get punched in the face.

Which, in short, is the problem with April Fool’s Day. Because people have their guards up, April Fool’s pranks almost never actually ‘fool’ anybody. And, as a result, most trouble-makers have stopped even really trying, allowing their attempts to veer out of the realm of true pranking, and into the world of satire.

Granted, there’s an excellent array of such April Fool’s Day 2005 satire currently floating the Internets. And, granted, in year’s past, I’ve pepetrated such digital shenanigans myself. But, this year, I’m not pulling anything today. Honest.

I am, however, throwing down an April Fool’s I.O.U.: an obligation to pull a prank, a real prank, later this month. Though the one I have in mind will take place in the real world, over the course of several weeks, I promise I’ll journal it all up online as soon as it’s done. And I promise it’ll be way better than whatever one-page wonder I might have otherwise made out of s-a.com.

This will be good. No fooling.

easy fun

Don vaguely futuristic apparel. Then, on a crowded street, run up to someone and shout, “What’s the date today?! Quickly, tell me!”

When they respond, shout, “What YEAR, man, what YEAR is this?!”

When they respond again, shout, “Noooo!! They’ve sent me back too far!” and sprint away, clutching your head in your hands.

gotham high class of ’96 – part 4

Even the interminable stretch of high school one day comes to an end; consider this the graduation post, then, before I go back to blogging as usual.

Becky Wong

Activities: Orchestra (Cello, 1st Chair); Math Team – Mu Alpha Theta (Award Recipient At State Competition); National Merit Scholar; Korean Club; Jason Priestly Fan Club (Vice President)

Next Year Will Be: Attending Juilliard while taking classes at Columbia Med School, in the hopes of eventually becoming a professional cellist and MD

Quote: “Who knows where inspiration comes from. Perhaps it arises from desperation. Perhaps it comes from the flukes of the universe, the kindness of the muses.” – Amy Tan

Charlie Killeen

Activities: “Stewed Tomatoes” Improv Comedy Group (Founder, Leader); Staff Writer for “The Gotham High Daily Beagle” (Humorist); Bearer of the Spirit Stick

Superlatives: Most Eager

Next Year Will Be: Attending USC

Quote: “Cut. It. Out.”- Dave Coulier

Meadow Fairley

Activities: Organic Hurray! (Founder); NA; Students for a Peaceful Tomorrow; Interpretive Dance Club; Terpsichord; Grass is Greener Society; Young Radicals; Eastern Star Girls; Key Club

Superlatives: Most Original

Next Year Will Be: Surfing in Costa Rica, deferring at UC Santa Cruz

Quote: “What a long strange trip it’s been”- Grateful Dead

Doug Johnson

Activies: Left Right Wrong (Grunge Band, Drummer); Kurt Cobain Memorial Society (Founder); Magic The Gathering Association; Hackey Sack Lunch Circle; Key Club

Next Year Will Be: Attending the University of Puget Sound

Quote: “A mulatto/an albino/a mosquito/my libido/yeah” – Kurt Cobain

Ansel Levy

Activities: Varsity Swim Team; Chillin’; Maxin’; Relaxin’; Waxin’; Key Club

Superlatives: Most Groomed

Next Year Will Be: Swimming At Hofstra

Quote: “Fellas – ladies love a solid six-pack and chiseled pecs. And no woman can resist a guy who keeps the lawn mowed (it maximizes the visual appeal of your power drill).” – MAXIM, June 1995

gotham high class of ’96 – part 3

The party itself was an unalloyed success, but the yearbook signing goes on, online:

Brett Durst

Activities: None

Superlatives: Most Unique

Next Year Will Be: Fuck all you stupid sheep. You’ll all burn.

Quote: “Death is a policeman/death is the priest/death is the stereo/death is a TV” – Marilyn Manson

Egon “Cereal Killa2112” Lafleur

Activities: Gaming; Anti-Gravity Society; Riflery; Collecting Guns; Archery;
Physics Club

Next Year Will Be: A professional video game tester; stockpiling fertilizer; planning something “special” for his former classmates

Quote: “I am a TREASURE HUNTER, not a thief!” – Locke (from “Final Fantasy 6”)

Echo Glass

Activities: Purple Smoke Coffee Shop Poetry Series (Founder); Knitting Club; Classical Guitar Quartet; Blowing Glass; Installation Art

Superlatives: Most Likely to Protest

Next Year Will Be: Attending Sarah Lawrence

Quote: “My painting carries with it the message of pain.” -Frida Kahlo

Thaddeous “Tad” Baker

Activities: FCP (Fellowship Of Christian Punks); Young Life; Revelationz (Punk Band, Lead Guitarist); Promise Keepers of Tomorrow; 2nd Presbyterian Church Youth Group; Outward Bound; Students for Pat Buchannan; “See you at the Flagpole” Prayer Representative

Superlatives: Most Likely to Win a Christian Music Award; Most Likely To Shoot An
Abortionist

Next Year Will Be: Attending Bob Jones University

Quote: “Yes I am with you always, until the very end of time.”-J.C.

Chet “Quick Fingers” Jackson

Activities: Jazz Band (Trumpet, Fourth Chair); The Swinging Jellyrolls (Local Swing Band, Leader); N.A.A.C.P. (Member); Mustard Plug Fan Club (Charter Member)

Next Year Will Be: Moving to New Orleans to explore his roots (or working for his father’s law firm)

Quote: “Black is the color of my true love’s hair.” – Nina Simone

gotham high class of ’96 – part 2

Flip the yearbook page, and see who’s next:

Amanda Danford

Activities: Student Council (President); National Honor Society (President); Latin Society (President); French Club (President); Students Against Drunk Driving (Founder, President); Model UN; Debate Team; Student Ambassador; Gotham HS “Blade” Yearbook (Editor); Valedictorian; Cum Laude Society; Young Kiwanis Club; Rotary Exchange; Future Business Leaders Of America; Young Life; 4-H Society; Big Sisters – Big Brothers; Blood Donor; Resthaven Retirement Home (Volunteer); Sharing With Appalachian People (Volunteer); Girl Scout (3rd Degree) and Former Brownie; Key Club

Superlatives: Most Likely to Succeed; Most Likely to Join a Club

Next Year Will Be: Attending Princeton

Quote: “In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart.” – Hilary Rodham Clinton

Misty “Udders” Udders

Activities: Homecoming Committee (Refreshments); Puppies Need Love! (Founder, Sole Member); Jason Priestly Fan Club (President); Babysitters Club Fan Club (President); Pen Pals Of America; Future Homemakers Of America

Next Year Will Be: Attending University of Minnesota at Duluth

Quote: “A hug is a great gift. One size fits all and it’s easy to exchange.” – Elly Biles

Ari “Hey, Jew!” Goldbergstein

Activities: Prayer; Jewish Athletics Club (Founder); Making Gelt; Counting Gelt; Flaunting Gelt In Front Of Poor Goyim

Superlatives: Biggest Kvetsch; Most Likely to Hoard

Next Year Will Be: Attending Simchas Beit HaSchwarma Yeshiva

Quote: “A rich man who is stingy is the worst pauper.”-Yiddish proverb

Christine “Chris” Massangail

Activities: Varsity Softball (Captain, 1st Team All-State); Women’s Lacrosse (1st Team All-State); Indoor Soccer; LGBT Association

Superlatives: Most Likely to Go to the Olympics; Most Likely to Befriend an Indigo Girl

Next Year Will Be: Playing softball at the University of Maryland

Quote: “Just go out there and do what you have to do.”- Martina Navratilova

Rufus Whitney

Activities: Students For Dole (Founder); Ayn Rand Society; Why Not Eugenics? (Vice-President); Elizabethan Society; Class Vice-President; Demolay; Key Club

Superlatives: Most Likely To Be A Millionaire, Best Dressed

Next Year Will Be: Attending Dartmouth

Quote: “I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word ‘fair’ in connection with income tax policies.”-William F. Buckley

go dawgs!

Yesterday evening, I shaved off my beard. Then I shaved off my chest hair, donned a Speedo, greased down with vegetable oil, and stepped in front of the camera.

Sadly, that’s not a joke. Nor is it my first foray into the world of gay porn. Instead, it’s just part of the preparation for the Gotham Sugar Shack’s last throw-down – this Friday, November 12th – before my roommates and I head our separate ways.

The party, in short, recreates Homecoming ’96. Why? In the words of the Evite:

That was perhaps the finest time in our lives. Or anybody else’s lives – in the entire history of the world. Do you remember? We were still buzzing from the excitement of the Olympics in Atlanta (how about the rhythmic gymnastics? Estonia was robbed!), and now that the autumn air had grown crisp, it was time to settle old rivalries on, as they say in South Bend, “one hundred yards of glory.”

It was Jaguars vs. War Eagles. Clinton vs. Dole. Coolio vs. Seal. TLC vs. All-4-One. Brandy vs. Alanis Morisette. Hootie vs. the Blowfish. Our virginity vs. Jenny William’s defiant, “I’m not drinking tonight and you’d better put that thing away” steel will.

Due to Evite technical glitches, a number of intended invites apparently never went out. So, we sent out a second. As that seems to have fared little better, if you didn’t receive an invitation but think you should have, or if we’ve never even met but you’d simply like to party like it’s 1996, a few further details from the PTA newsletter:

Come out and support our boys as they Rally against the Ridgeview Tigers. I don’t have to tell you this is the game of a lifetime, as we’ve got the passing strength to really come through and treat this victory not as the decimation of an old rival, but the first hurdle on the road to the first state championship in 30 years. Let’s make ’96 a year for the record books.

I’m also pleased to announce that Misty Sherman will be serving as the Homecoming Queen this year. She’s an honor student and a member of the FBLA, the FFA, and the FHA (looks like she’s got her work cut out for her!). She’s engaged to Brandon Mozinga, a super-senior who most of you know as the guy who drives the green Mustang around the Kwik Mart all afternoon.

The kids are having a dance and we need sponsors to come and administer “refreshments” so please bring something young and old alike can enjoy. And wear something nice–it’s ’96 for pity’s sake. Throw those stirrup pants out and come in a nice new pair of Lee’s acid washed jeans.

Which reminds me of the cheer that has always warmed my heart:

“Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar. All for the bulldogs, stand up….stand up and holler!”

God Bless America and Go Dawgs!!!

Gotham High School Football Rules.

Given the success of the digital version of one of our prior parties (The Hell’s Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths), over the next week, I’ll be posting the Gotham High Class of ’96 Yearbook. But, of course, it’ll be no match for the real thing.

So, clear out your calendar. This Friday, November 12th, 10:30pm. The Gotham Sugar Shack. Be there.

down under

As noted in my last post, I’m reasonably good (especially while drunk) at passing myself off as Australian. It’s a hard-earned talent, certainly, though one I put to good use for years, while under-age, drinking on an Australian fake ID.

For any underage drinkers reading along, it’s an approach I heartily endorse, as it left me with scores of entertaining experiences, from berating liquor store clerks who tried to look up the ID for verification in their US license picture books between Arkansas and California (“You fucking American twat, it’s a country, not one of your little ‘states'”), to waxing philosophic about the Australian public transportation system (something I’d never actually used) in conversation with a cute grad student in Cincinnati writing her thesis on subway systems of the world.

Women, it seems, love Australians, though explaining the lack of accent the following morning can be a bit tough. And while bartenders are happy to spot such out-of-towners a round of drinks, the round is usually comprised of Fosters. (Bartender: “Here you go man; it’s Australian for beer.” Me: “More like Australian for watered down piss. Aside from Victoria Bitter, I wouldn’t even rinse my arse with the swill Fosters bottles.”)

Throughout my years of being part-time Australian, though, there was only one fake ID experience that left me feeling a bit guilty about it all. Right around the corner from Yale’s dorms was a small liquor store, Quality Liquor, that was notorious for being brutal on fake ID’s – the wall behind the register was lined by at least a hundred confiscated fakes. So, in part because they really did have New Haven’s best liquor selection, and in part because I wanted to see how well my accent and ID stood up to the test, I headed in the first week of Freshman year.

Not only did I pass with flying colors, I quickly became a favorite of the owners, who referred to me as “Crocodile Dundee”, and gave me free liquor and significant discounts. Over the years, I got quite friendly with them, regaling them with tales from the Outback. But, then, the summer after my Junior year, I turned 21. And I was faced with a dilemma: do I keep pretending to be Australian so as not to offend them after years of friendship under false pretenses? Or do I come clean? (In my native California accent: “Sorry about that Australian thing, dudes, but an alcoholic’s got to drink.”)

Not really life-and-death, I know, but honestly something I worried about for a considerable amount of time. So, when I returned after the summer to New Haven, my sadness was tinged with considerable relief when I discovered the store had closed. I was spared the chance of revelation altogether, and, at least for two fat middle-aged Italian guys, will forever be as Australian as they get.

the hell’s kitchen museum of curious deaths

Welcome to the Hell’s Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths! Or, at least, to the online version of it. In fact, the HKMoCD initially existed in the real world, in our fair apartment at 360 W. 51st St., New York City. It was located there for just one evening, as the backdrop of our Halloween shindig, the Hell’s Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths All Hallows Eve Tour and Punch Party. We went full out for the event, repainting walls, removing all the furniture, tweaking every detail possible for the most complete transformation.

The following afternoon, as we slowly sobered up, we began to realize that, at some point, we’d probably need to put back our couches, beds and bookshelves. Having expended too much time and energy to simply scrap the Museum’s content altogether, however, we decided to recreate the experience online. That’s what’s going on here.

Even More Introduction

The Museum was in large part modeled after the New York Tenement Museum, so it depended significantly on the atmosphere of the apartment itself, rather than simply upon the exhibits presented. Sadly, given the limitations of the web medium, we can’t recreate that here. We have, however, as a bare minimum, included below the floor plan of the Museum, as posted near the Museum’s entrance:

hkmocdplan.jpg

In the real world, the Museum’s exhibits were broken down by room, with each representing a major inhabitant in the apartment’s history: first the McGuinn family (from 1856-1906), then Joseph Leibenz (1907-1954), and finally “Gay Johnny” in the modern era. Online, mainly due to laziness, we’ve lumped the exhibits together as one unmanageably long page of text.

None the less, we hope you’ll enjoy the show.

McGuinn Family; The Builder of 360 W. 51st St., 1856-1906

Seamus McGuinn was born in 1810 on the southeastern coast of Ireland in the small town of Kinsdale, near Cork. McGuinn first came to the states in 1830 as a deckhand on board the Caelan Kavanaugh, a merchant ship that regularly sailed the north Atlantic route. In 1834, he married a woman in Newton, Massachusetts, though she died just seven months after their marriage, in the cholera epidemic that swept through Boston that year. McGuinn later joined the Royal Steam Packet Company of Dublin and was promoted to boatswain, sailing the charter voyage of a new route to New London and New York.In 1846, McGuinn became captain of the Fiona Iverna, a clipper with regular service between Dublin and New York. At that time he was nationalized as an American citizen, and moved into a shared townhouse on the corner of Bethune and Washington in the far West Village. He was a popular fixture of the neighborhood, as his name was listed on the register of several private drinking establishments, one of which, on the corner of Perry and Bleeker, was known to be a brothel.In 1852, a disagreement over a cockfight sent McGuinn looking for housing in the area outside of what was then the city. He built a large wood-frame structure on a parcel of land on the current 50th street and 10th avenue block. The area was still being used as farmland at the time, but as the streets were laid out, businessmen bought up parcels of the land. McGuinn settled there with a group of seamen who were eager to purchase land and establish homes away from their work. They purchased a small farm from a Dutchman named Dekker and subdivided the property. McGuinn lived in a wood frame structure he built there, until it burned in 1855.During that time, McGuinn fell in love with Dekker’s daughter, and on his 45th birthday, he married the 17 year old girl, Wilhemina Dekker, known as Winnie. He wrote of her often in his diary and bought her fine items of clothing.

1856: Movin’ on Up

When, in 1855, their home was destroyed by fire, Seamus and Winnie decided to build a multi-family dwelling for upper-class Irish nationals. They constructed the building currently located at 360 West 51st Street and moved into the first floor apartment. Winnie soon insisted that they move into an apartment further from the street noise, but not so high that they would have to walk up many flights of stairs.Soon after the building was completed, Winnie gave birth to two twin girls, both of whom were stillborn. Seamus insisted on a male heir, and though he believed his wife to be hysterical with grief over the deaths of the twins, he insisted on a male heir. Subsequently, Winnie gave birth to two daughters, Rhiannon and Treasa and a boy, Hamish.In 1867, Seamus was murdered under unusual circumstances. Suspects were numerous, as many in the community resented his wealth and prosperity, rare for an Irishman at the time. Among the suspects were his own wife, who resented both her servitude to him and the age difference between them, and his son Hamish, who cared deeply for his mother Winnie, and loathed his father’s tyrannical dealings with her. Seamus was murdered with the spindle of a spinning wheel, gouged through his skull, between the eyes

1878: Movin’ on Out

Following his father’s death, Hamish took ownership of the apartment, where he looked after his aging mother. His sisters moved into a residence nearby, and Hamish purchased a dry-goods store with part of his inheritance that all three children helped run. Hamish began taking classes at Columbia College, preparing for a degree as an accountantAfter a torrid affair with a Barnard student, who later committed suicide, Hamish dropped out of classes. He subsequently squandered his inheritance in the bars by the port, seeing his sisters increasingly infrequently. In 1874, his mother Winnie died of neglect. Hamish became a drifter, finding his way to the American/Canadian border, then vanishing completely.

Caoilainn and Fionna McGuinn, 1857

The twin daughters of Seamus and Wilhemina McGuin were stillborn in 1857. Wilhemina insisted on naming the infants Caoilainn and Fionna, claiming that

triptych

My roommates and I, dressed as the dead professor curators of the Hell’s Kitchen Museum of Curious Deaths (the Halloween night alter-ego of our apartment):

[Ed. note: In answer to confused emails, Colin (right) has been burned to death, James (center) has been hung, and I’ve been decapitated (apparently by an angry caterer?).]

Us in costumes

A few of the museum exhibits:

Some stuff on the wall

And, finally, a bit of the wreckage the roughly 150 guests left over the course of the evening:

A mess

tomfoolery

I must admit, on most years, I am an April Fools troublemaker. When I was twelve, for example, I panicked my family by setting all the clocks in our house (watches, alarm clocks, stove, VCR, etc.) ahead three hours while they slept. Just last year, I drew several concerned emails with a post on this very site saying that I was dropping everything and joining the CIA. This year, however, I haven’t the energy. I arrived back in New York late last night, in time to dump the contents of my suitcase on the floor, run a load or two of wash, then repack the thing for tomorrow’s LA departure. For one year, at least, my friends, family and online readers are spared the annual torment.